Monday, September 1, 2008

Slingblade is my hero...

minus the whole "into cartoons and figurines" part...

What am I talking about?

If you fall into any one of the following categories, you must read the book called "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell":

a) you have gotten drunk in the past and considered it a good time
b) you have gotten drunk in the past and you don't remember shit
c) you have gotten drunk in the past and you regretted your decision to drink so much the next morning, only to repeat that same process the following night
d) you woke up glad that you are still alive after a night of drunken out-of-controlness
e) you don't have time to read because you're too busy doing another shot of soco

Ok, I'll be honest. I have not read the whole book yet. But oh my god... so far, I am laughing my ass off as I'm reading this book. To say that I can relate is an understatement. If you go to amazon, you can read most of the first chapter "The famous sushi pants story" as he recounts his night where he gets progressively drunk. The part where his description of the two chicks from Long Island changes from "two 30+ year old Jewish women with fake breasts... she is highly not attractive" to "hot girl #2" after few more orders of double vodka is just hilarious. Seriously, go read on Amazon to get a taste of it. I can't do it justice. Again, only if you fall under the above categories... if not, you probably just won't get it.

So far, my favorite quote is "it only takes me one drink to get me wasted. The problem is, I don't know if it's the 13th or the 14th drink."

Cheers to that.

Anyways, he introduces one of his friends in this book as "Slingblade." This guy is like one of those guys who is very highly intellectual (not in a geeky way) but socially challenged... where he basically refuses to accept the social norm and kinda protects himself from being hurt by being extremely unapproachable to women. The author recounts numerous occasions where Slingblade plays wingman except after a few minutes, he gets bored with the girl he's talking to and so he basically becomes very condescending and sarcastic. Since these are tales from college days or a year or two after college, they are typically hitting on younger girls who also happen to be not so bright. Apparently, he became this way after this girl he was totally in love with cheated on him and ever since then, he was incapable of having a meaningful relationship with a woman. The author describes Slingblade's attitude towards women like this:

You know that saying, "Any club that would let me be a member, I wouldn't want to join?" Slingblade assumed that any girl that he liked enough to want to fuck, wouldn't want to fuck him. But any girl who did want to fuck him without first knowing him and respecting him, he automatically thought was a whore... and he refused to sleep with a girl he regarded as a whore. This absurd Catch-22 pretty much guaranteed that Slingblade got no ass. Add in his low tolerance for stupidity and his utter disdain for whorish female behavior, combine it with the fact that many of the girls I hit on fit right into the dumb or slutty categories that he hated and you have a recipe for hilarity.

Seriously, I can totally relate to that statement. I was always a guy that would do "everything but..." For a guy who loves to drink and party and flirt with women, I was never one to sleep around... of course, one can argue that I don't have as many opportunities... couple that with the fact that I get so drunk I can't even see straight might also have something to do with that... but even when I would get a girl in bed, we would pretty much do everything but... I remember showing a text message from this girl... her direct quote on my text was "wish u hadn't left. waking up together wouldn't have been bad..." Of course, my buddy asked what I did after I got that text. I told him I just ignored it, kept driving home and slept in my own bed. He mentioned that if I need someone to close the deal for me, I could call him. And he would. He's definitely a closer. I, on the other hand, pretty much never talked to her after that. Believe me, that wasn't really what got me turned off... I don't know, maybe I'm more interested in the chase. The moment I know that the girl wants me, I become totally uninterested... it's the girls that blow me off that totally turns me on... god, I am sick...

There was another girl that I met in a diner. She was older... like mid 30s maybe? She wanted me. After a couple of dates and a few makeout sessions, I pretty much ended it. It just wasn't doing it for me. She sent me numerous texts asking me why I no longer wanted to see her. I gave her this bullshit story about how I'm moving so I didn't want to get into a relationship... at which point, she responds that she doesn't care and that she wanted to continue seeing me. I believe my text message to her was "I'm sorry." Then one day, out of the blue, I get a drunk text from her. Funny thing is, I had no idea who it was because I deleted her from my contacts list. Eventually, after a few texts back and forth, I figured it out... well, I asked... However, I found out that she is now seeing someone... and all of a sudden, my interest in her was revived... at least only when I'm drunk. Realizing how bad that was, I deleted her from my contacts... again...

Funny thing is, the girl is pretty hot... she's just not quite my type I guess. I don't know why but I need to be intellectually stimulated or else I'm just not sexually attracted... Which is probably why I can relate to Slingblade... Who knew that there were other sickos like me out there. Maybe there's hope for a guy like me...

and for the record, for those of you that read the book, I do not sleep in Batman sheets or wear Superman t-shirts...

Wow, this is surprisingly personal... seriously, I'm an open book...

Hope everyone had a nice Labor Day weekend!!!!

6 comments:

AnguilA said...

Best part of going out is flirting hands down, but I like to close once I've gotten a chick.
But what is totally true is that if the quest is difficult I have a much higher interest in the girl than if it's too easy.

I'm definitely a LAG in this matters...

Astin said...

Yah, but you probably sleep in Superman sheets and wear Batman t-shirts...

Speaking of, I was out a couple weeks ago with a buddy and the standard waitress-flirting was going on. I regularly make fun of this bud because when he first moved into his house, he had Lion King sheets on his bed. He claims they're gone now. I ask the waitress "would you still be interested in a guy if he had Lion King sheets?" Her response - "Well, if I got far enough that I saw what sheets he had, I'm probably not turning back... why? Do you have Lion King sheets?"

Schaubs said...

Do you uread Tucker Max's blog?

It's a must.

Nice story, now go get laid already... I wonder if you'll ever blog about that experience?

IF, and when it happens of course...

Fuel55 said...

Does being a fag alter this line of thinking?

Fuel55 said...

Does being a fag alter this line of thinking?

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