Friday, April 2, 2010

Dear diary

The blog is a funny thing. It's obviously very public in that anyone can read this. There's no privacy setting. If anyone wanted to know what "RecessRampage" was like, they can read this blog, click the nonpoker filter and probably find out a good deal about me... especially about who I am on the inside. In a way, this is like a gateway to my inner thoughts. And yet, this blog offers me a sense of anonymity. It might not be real, but conversing about thoughts and feelings with strangers (well, most of you aren't strangers anymore but you know what I mean) had a strangely soothing effect... and it's somewhat easier...

I've been wanting to blog for a while. I just hadn't made it a priority and nor am I doing it because I feel like I owe it to anyone. I mean for all I know, no one reads this. I don't really care. When I first started this blog, it wasn't meant to be something where I update what's going on... it was just a virtual outlet of my thoughts, feelings, etc. And since at the time, I was really into poker, the title of my blog was born. Nothing more, nothing less.

But this post... this is gonna be personal. Because I think I'm ready.

I went out with this girl tonight. Some girl that's in the neighborhood, we met a few times, decided to go catch a movie. The movie theatre is one of those places that serve dinner also (very pricey) and it was really good. We were going as casual friends but once we were together, it was obviously a date. She likes me more than I thought/expected and then that's when I realized this...

My failed marriage had (or still has) a huge impact on my emotional well being. I thought I was fine. I mean after all, we separated back in late 2007, divorce was made official in Jan 2009. I've gone out with several girls since then though none successfully. I was happy, I had more time to do whatever, I picked up new hobbies, etc... seriously, if anyone asked, I was back to being happy again and I truly meant it. I have a good group of friends, have a great career, a loving family, good health, etc etc... you know, stuff that people take for granted but what truly makes life special. And yet, I never quite thought about how the marriage impacted me.

I mean it was easy to play it off. We were only married for a bit over a year. We only dated for like 9 months before we got engaged. It was her second marriage. She traveled all the time. I was consumed with poker and basketball. I felt closer to bloggers than I did to my wife at times. It was just a failure in the making. It was a mistake. No big deal. At least that's how I played it off in my mind.

But you know what? I'm not gonna lie. I somehow didn't realize it at the time but I was more hurt by it than I ever thought or cared to admit. Since then, I haven't really gotten emotionally involved with anyone. I just thought I hadn't met anyone but I'm not sure that's true. I've met people. I tried to like them... but I just can't seem to conjure up any romantic feeling... and really, that's not something you need to "conjure" up... it should just happen if it's with the right person. I catch myself comparing women to my ex-wife. And unfortunately, no one lives up to her yet... The thing is, I was truly in love with my wife. I still remember the day we got married... once again, I thought I was fine and I was just happy... until I saw her in her wedding dress for the first time and I was just overcome with so much emotion (yes, I was the first one to break down and cry... I know I know, say what you will). I think what haunts me to this day is that I never got a chance to have true closure. She never gave me a reason as to why she left me. It's almost as if it woulda been easier if she said "sorry, I cheated on you" or "there's someone else" or "you weren't there for me when I needed you" or something. Something where I can point to. Unfortunately, there was nothing...

This post isn't meant to be a "feel sorry for me" or "give me some supportive comments" type of post. And I know I've written something along these lines before. If this stuff bores you or bothers you, you woulda stopped reading by now and frankly, I don't care because I'm not writing this for anyone else. This blog is for me and this is my outlet. I actually love my blog for what it is.

I know (well, I hope) that I will eventually find someone special... but right now, I'm finally at a point where I realize that I have some emotional baggage that somehow I need to get rid of... or at least get over. This is progress since I didn't even know that I had such baggage until now.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing all this here. Well, that's not true. I do know why. It's because this is essentially my diary. And writing was always therapeutic to me. I really need to make more time to blog more often.


Fuel55 said...

Waffles only charges $80 an hour for therapy sessions.

Riggstad said...

You're a male, right?

Fuel is ghey :)

Schaubs said...

Just ask your ex wife what the fuck happened?

Call her up and ask. What is the harm?

Oh - and go get laid MORE.

SirFWALGMan said...

Good post. Tell those fuckers above to stfu. Good to know you can be happy again.

Bayne_S said...

Good Luck with MRI.

Your relationship with ex consumed less than 10% of your life.

Some people are just not meant to be married. Maybe your ex is one of them.

I have a cousin that has been married at least 3 times and backed out of another wedding 1 month before the date.

Get yourself a pint of Hagen-Dazs and have yourself a good cry contemplating whether it was you or not.

stinkyied said...

I'm one of those lurker types. I really enojy your blog, you don't seem to put on an attitude or generate a persona. No real reason for me to de-lurk here, other than to say you're at least examining your life and evaluating your goals. Very few people do that, so I wanted to give you kudos.