Yeah so I'm selfish

I think I'm mentally, pretty tough. I'm competitive, determined, ambitious, and generally speaking, very resilient. However, there are times I wonder how much of it is natural and how much of it is forced.

For example, when it comes to things I'm pretty good at, I talk a lot of shit. But I usually back it up. You see, me talking shit is like my way of applying pressure on myself. Now it doesn't work all the time (remember I was trying to bench 250lbs? I still can't... I can't go higher than 225lbs but in my defense, I only weight 170lbs). The most recent shit talk that I had was that me and my buddy (both of us played in the county basketball league together) would beat 4 of my friends playing 4 on 2 half court. The rules were fairly standard. 2's and 1's (the 3 pters were 2pts), game to 15, take back everything except for steals, and loser's ball (as opposed to make it take it for those of you familiar with the bball lingo). If these were the conditions, it's pretty much a guarantee that the two of us would win. The four of them are not bad in terms of athletic prowess (whether it's running or lifting or whatever, one guy was high school football defensive player of the year... in his division or region or whatever)... anyways, but not bad does not equal great. And they have close to zero basketball skills (yep, I just outed you guys to all my blog readers... which is probably about 10 others). So, to make this fair, I also went as far as to say that the spread is 9pts... against us.

So the deal is, it will be 2 on 4, and they start 9-0 with the game being up to 15. This might sound ridiculous to those that don't play ball but I'm fairly certain we'd win. I mean I was ready to take bets... now of course, this is gonna be delayed for another 9 months since no, I'm not pregnant, but I am going in for my surgery tomorrow for my ACL reconstruction. But what was the point of all this? The point was that by making bets like these, it would drive me to work harder, train more, practice more, etc in order to make it a reality. It's self applied pressure that makes me good at the things I care about.

But tonight, as I sit here, I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't nervous. I usually cherish my alone time. But it's times like these that I feel a lot more alone than normal. In Tampa, I don't really know anyone. I mean I know coworkers and I have some friends to go out with but no one that I can ask to take time off to take me to the hospital or stay with me post op... no family member, no nothing... now don't get me wrong. I have family that would fly on a moment's notice but I really can't do that to them. Of course, they'll read this blog and feel immense guilt and helplessness but that's not the intent. The fact of the matter is, I want to get this surgery done as soon as possible so that I can start the rehab as soon as possible. It's just that as I went through the trouble of hiring a nanny (yes, I really did hire a nanny who would take me to the hospital, pick me up, grab my prescription, and take care of chores around the house for the next few days), I felt a bit vulnerable.

I mean here's a stranger that will be taking care of me (it is from a reliable place so no worries there) and seeing a very vulnerable side of me (cranky, in pain, miserable, etc) and I'm just not used to that. Now I did warn her that I could be extremely cranky but she's an older nurse so she knows and whatever...

So yeah, I guess that is my way of saying wish me luck, and if you think a hot nurse strip o gram would cheer me up, you are absolutely correct... now as Bayne pointed out, I just don't know how I will get to the door...

I know, this is extremely selfish as I know some others who are going through much harder times. You know who you are and to those, my thoughts and wishes truly do go out to you and your family. But I'm not gonna lie... some of that prayer is gonna be set aside for my operation tomorrow... so here's to wishing that my left ACL will be reconstructed just as awesome as my right one. GL me.